Throughout my travels I find the conversations I’ve had with cab drivers the most interesting of all. All throughout the world, taxi drivers come from all walks of life, and they are often the people to speak to when you want to know the city’s darkest secrets. While I have enjoyed many interesting and thought provoking conversations, there are always one or two that are just plain awkward. The funny thing is, most cab drivers, when they feel talkative, will end up talking about sex one way or the other.

Conversation # 1: about gay-lationship

I was on my way to a hotel in Darling Harbour from Sydney Airport and the driver decided to take the long way around through Oxford St. For those not from Sydney, this is the gay and lesbian central of the city, and the setting for Sydney’s wildest party, the Mardi Gras.

A gay couple, lovingly holding hands, crossed the road in front of us, and the cab driver blurted, “I don’t understand”.

“What don’t you understand driver?”
“How do they think? Why? How? Do they take turns?”
“I am sorry?”
“Gay people. I have nothing against them. I think it’s great they can express their choice of lifestyle freely. But they must take turns.”
“I think they are nice people.”
“Yes, I am sure they are. But you know? Do they take turns? Does one go on top and then later on the other go on top? Who decides?”
“I don’t know driver. I don’t think I am the right person to ask.”
….

Conversation #2: about chocolate and sex

Another ride from Sydney Airport to the hotel, my taxi driver introduced himself and said he is actually a chocolatier from France. Unable to find a job here in Sydney in his profession he turned to taxi driving..

“Do you like chocolate?”
“Of course I do!”
“Yes, it’s actually good for you you know? Cocoa beans does not make people fat. It’s all the flavouring and bad things they put in the commercial chocolates that does.”
“I know. I know chocolates are good for us.” *smile*
“Do you know it works better than viagra?”
“I know it makes you happy.”
“Yes, that’s why. It works for both men and women. You have chocolate, you have good sex. And do you know what the best position is?”

“Um…”
…..

Conversation #3: about stopping the taps

The most awkward conversation of all…

Having arrived late in Melbourne, I wanted to get to the hotel and hit the sacks as soon as possible. So I hopped into the taxi, hoping the trip will be smooth and fast. Within 2 minutes, the taxi driver expectantly struck a conversation.

“You here for work?”
“Yes I am.”
“Are you married?”
“No I am not”
“You have boyfriend?”
“Yes I do.”
“You see your boyfriend?”
“Yes I do. Everyday.”
“Oh you work together?”
“No we live together?”
“You have house together?”
“No, we just live together”
“You have baby?”
“No.”
“How you do that?”
“I am sorry?”
“No baby. How do you…. stop water coming?”
“Water?”
“You live together… a man.. water come, baby come.”
“Oh… um… there are ways.”
“What ways?” (considered jumping out of taxi but saw that driver genuinely wanted to know)
“Er… well condoms for example.”
“You know in Africa, where I come from, there are big problems with this.”
“Yes I think I am aware.”
“We don’t know how to stop water coming. Condoms I hear not comfortable.”
“I can’t say. Sorry.”
“It doesn’t come out?”
“No. It’s tested thoroughly.” (I hope so anyway, and why is the traffic not moving faster??)
“Maybe wear two, make it safer”
“No, you don’t need two… but you can if you like.”
“Ok.”
<< silence – thank god >>
“So condoms.” (oh, it’s not finished yet)
“Yes…. oh look, can you just drop me off here? I see there isn’t much parking in front of the hotel.” (Trying to sound helpful)
“Thank you for your advice.”
“You are welcome. Keep the change.”